Real Sex

Porn is widely used as the principal means of sexual education for young, Western adolescents. This is also a convenient way for parents and teachers to avoid answering embarrassing questions.

Here is the truth about life as revealed from watching porn:

  1. Women wear high heels to bed;
  2. Men are never impotent;
  3. When "going down" on a woman, ten seconds is more than satisfactory;
  4. If a woman gets caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but insist he have sex with her;
  5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm;
  6. Women are indifferent as to whether they get it in the mouth, the vagina or up the ass;
  7. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men;
  8. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob;
  9. WOMEN SCREAM AND GRAB THE MAN'S ASS CLOSER TOWARDS THEM, causing more moaning;
  10. Women always orgasm when men do;
  11. All women are noisy cummers; often they will announce when it is happening;
  12. women’s tits are always real;
  13. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum;
  14. Women do not possess the physical ability to spit out cum: They can only orally transfer it to another woman;
  15. Double penetration makes women smile;
  16. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend will not beat you to death if you shove your penis in his girlfriend’s mouth;
  17. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt;
  18. Nurses suck patients’ cocks as a medical examination method;
  19. Nuns are always wild and eager for sex;
  20. When your girlfriend discovers you getting head from her best friend, she will only be momentarily pissed off before joining both of you;
  21. Women never have headaches or periods;
  22. When a woman is sucking off a man, it is important for him to remind her to "suck it", lest she forget what she is doing;
  23. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find a penis there;
  24. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman’s head and the other proudly on his hip;
  25. Every girl on the planet is bisexual;
  26. Pubic hair is a myth;
  27. Swearing is constant;
  28. Women are always ravishingly horny, to the point that they bang random visitors;
  29. Only men with tattoos on their biceps can have sex;
  30. If you offer them enough money, all women are willing to have sex;
  31. There is no such thing as natural finger nails;
  32. All stewardesses want ANY guys dick in any hole, ALL the time;
  33. The only thing women think about during sex is all that tasty cum they get to slurp afterwards;
  34. The man always decides on the sexual position to be undertaken;
  35. Women can have an orgasm by just taking off their clothes and rubbing their hands on their skin;
  36. Men never care if another guy has just cum in there, every hole is a goal;
  37. If your penis is seven inches or over in length, pubic hair is no longer a problem.

Copyright © 2010 Frank TALKER. Permission granted to reproduce and distribute it in any format; provided that mention of the author’s Weblog (http://allmotley.blogspot.com/) is included: E-mail notification requested. All other rights reserved. Frank TALKER is also the author of Sweaty Socks: A Treatise on the Inevitability of Toe Jam in Hot Weather (East Cheam Press: Groper Books, 1997) and is University of Bullshit Professor Emeritus of Madeupology.
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